Le perfectionniste.

53 days to mid years, 147 days to prelims & 231 days to A levels -THE REAL THING.

THE BIG THING THAT CAN DETERMINE HOW MY REMAINING LIFE JOURNEY WILL GO.

I'm just here to vomit everything that i feel right now.
CTs results don't matter to me from the very start.
Having to go through so many things at the same time, i think i've been really brave.
At least i took the courage to go in and attempt the papers with my empty brain.
At least i didn't break down.
At least i tried the papers so i know where my mistakes are.
If these sound like excuses of complacency to you, so be it.
It doesn't bother me.
I'm tired of explaining - explanations are just wasting my saliva.

In fact, CT results are better than what i expected.
I knew it was going to be bad.

Right now, i've set my goals clear.
I have no time to waste, i know it well.

1. Train up my writing speed.
» Honestly, this could be my utmost downfall.
No matter how well i've equipped myself with, as long as i can't complete my paper, i'm probably doomed.
This could be the hardest thing i can ever do for myself at this point in time because of my medical condition.
It's becoming almost impossible to write at a normal speed w/ this tumour & the pain it generates.
But no matter what, i've gotta try.
Keeping the faith (:

2. Clear my doubts as soon as I can
»Before the questions starts piling up and become impossible to clear.

3. Practice extra questions.
»This works and i know it. I just need to dig for time and hopefully my body sustains me too.

4. Plan, everything.
»It's the best way to keep up with the revision.
Less time is wasted once you have everything planned.
& obviously follow. Don't lax.

5. Ignore friends that pull your morale down & other unwanted comments
»`nuff said.
I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE WHO DEMORALIZE THEMSELVES & AFFECT THE REST AROUND THEM -.-
How inconsiderate. Just f***ing stay away from me.

6. Compete only against yourself
»Enough comparisons is made by the teachers in the school.
Just keep getting better and avoid competitveness if they add unnecessary stress to you.
I only compete with myself, nothing is ever good enough.

Success don't go to people that complain. Success will find those who do more & talk less.
I don't know if my health is going to get any better and how long my body can sustain me.
I'm just going to work against the waves & through all the obstacles to get me THERE.
Will ensure that i don't overwork myself though.

b`cos more is coming my way but they'll eventually lead me to my dreams~

It's insanely busy in school.
Guess i wouldn't have the time to blog.
Reblogging is much easier, (& it makes me happier too~)
at least it stops me from ranting.

where the pretty little things are.

^ click to enter ❤❤❤

YANHAN a.k.a. TWINNIE SAYS I HAVEN'T BEEN BLOGGING.
So i decided that i shall blog before the clock hits 12 & we welcome the Lunar year of the Dragon! :DD

Year of the Rabbit, hmmm not that fantastic, it was a bumpy ride..
HAHAHA i'm gonna continue writing the same stuffs all over again!
Guess i reflected enough in my previous post dated Dec 2011 when i looked back at the year (:
This time i read through my blog posts over the past year,
they were so ironicccccc! O.O
Well the pelvis apophysis injury diagnosed. Consistent. Checked.
But the chest one.. HAHA from unidentified to Costochondritis to Muscle imbalance to Costochondritis (Ribs inflammation) again to bone cancer & then finally a benign tumour?
Confusing heh. Hmmm let me pick out the truths & explain.

When i developed the chest pain back then in September 2010,
the tumour or bone neoplasms haven't developed enough to be visible on the x-rays.
So my x-ray reports came out fine over a spread of months that my doctors thought it should be Costochondritis which does not show up on the imagings. But the anti-inflammatory drugs i was prescribed did not work for me and the pain gradually got worse that it was challenging my tolerance.
HAHA as a vainpot i look into the mirror & observe myself everyday and one fine day i felt that my right collarbone was protruding out more than the left. I wondered has it always been like that & decided that i was just paranoid.
Then it started to grow aggressively i developed quite a bit of problems coping with the pain.
On my brother's birthday, I went for my orthopaedic follow-up at SGH & the medical officer said it isn't normal that my right collarbone sticks out so much more than the right & he could feel a lump there.
Finally, a tumour showed up on the x-ray of my clavicle. I was sent to see the tumour specialist cum orthopaedic surgeon with a lot of expensive scans to see the details of the area. The scan results confirmed the existence of the tumour.
My doctor diagnosed me with cancer before my biopsy because chances for the tumour to be benign was pretty damn low.
I was briefed about chemotherapy & whatever treatments i might need if the biopsy confirms it is cancerous.
The big turn came. I had a double-biopsy - 2 hollows dug out from my right clavicle for laboratory testing.
So yes, i have bone implants in those hollows. Can't exert force from my right side in case the bone fractures.
I always have muscle imbalance & it's not unusual.
Yes i also have low blood pressure, a.k.a. hypotension.
Yup. Sorry that was long, i just felt i owe some of you an explanation for you confused people.

The nightmare started: I finally stepped onto the JC2 path.
But i'd say, so far so good.
At least my body is behaving well in school, without my painkillers! :D
Just kinda sleep-deprived & i get lethargic so easily.
I actually fell asleep for a couple of lectures within this mere 2 weeks of school.
It feels amazing to be a JC2 student.
Looking back (omg like again), i've gone a long way!
I remembered that tough period at the end of my year 1 back then in 2010 when my chest hurts so much i couldn't even get up from my bed. I had to force myself to jerk up in pain.
& I couldn't walk because of my pelvis injury - I was afraid that i might be paralyzed forever D:
Now, my health condition may be worse than that time now but i'm really coping fine.

STILL VERY THANKFUL (:

I broke my barriers & i'll continue to break more!
HAHA I even started running during PE already - building up on strength. *smirks*
(Hahaha like suddenly so proud about myself!)
I won't let the A level monster nor my monsterous health bring down my happiness level in school~~

HAPPY
LUNAR
NEW
YEAR
IN ADVANCE
TO YOU,
MY FRIENDS
♥

*p.s. Something random - Would love to visit this Tunnel of love in Ukraine! *screams*
Too magical. The perfect bridal photoshoot location! :))

It's been slightly more than a month since i last blogged.
I think i'm ready and comfortable with sharing my life today.
(i know sooner or later more people are going to know.)
So it's a secret no more.
Rest assured i'm typing this as composed as i can be :D

If you ask me how i am right now,
I'll tell you that it feel like i'm born again, like re-birth.

Because life became a completely new path for me the moment the little tumour intruded my life.

Realizing that things will not be the same &
i've accepted the fact that i'm not normal,
i'm no longer an ordinary healthy kid.
My perception of life have changed so much that i somewhat feel lost.
Yes, i am going to have a very tough time balancing my health & studies.
I don't know what life would be like for me in my years to come -
All I know is that I would very much want to live like a normal, average person.
And i truly look forward to that day - when i get completely cured from this (:

BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I'M STILL VERY THANKFUL MY BIOPSY'S REPORT SHOWED UP THAT THE TUMOUR WASN'T CANCEROUS. :)))
My dad & I were so relieved when the doctor told us the tumour is benign at the final diagnosis.
The doctors had to do a double biopsy to double confirm.

In case you're wondering, i was initially diagnosed with bone cancer prior to my biopsy on 15 Nov.
Topping up with some medical knowledge, the clavicle is an uncommon site for tumours.
And should a tumour grow there, chances is that it's malignant. (90% vs 10% benign)
So i should count myself really lucky, it felt like a miracle falling onto me.
My doctors were shocked with the laboratory results and claimed that i'm a "very unusual" case.
They said i'm the first to have never get diagnosed with that in SGH.
Bone tumours aren't common and my benign tumour only accounts for 1% of all various tumours.
I may be that one in a billion, fortunately or unfortunately?
You define it and you decide. (I'd prefer to look at the brighter side, though.)

2011 is a topsy-turvy ride for me, my life changed so dramatically,
it wasn't something i could have imagined.
Disappointments, there definitely have been - I wanted to get 60pts for promos so badly~~ D;
But now I look back at my past self,
I thought i've been really BRAVE.
Many people see me as a whiny girl who overreacts, blur at times and timid like a mouse.
From that girl who's scared of blood and needles, i've overcome them with the countless blood tests i've undergone.
Forty over blood tests, i can't believe i didn't cry for a single one!
& for the first time, i was put on drip, i wore the surgical gown, had to put on the oxygen mask (oh yes, that was really cool! It's the nicest thing you can find in the operating theatre ^^ ), went under the surgical knife for the biopsy and got myself hospitalized.
My days in the hospital felt like hell - I cried so much there :'(
And i struggled with my low blood pressure, i was so feeble back there.
I've come a really long way to where, what & who i am today.
The needle marks over my arms/hands and the surgical scar tell you my brave stories,
I'VE BEEN A STRONG GIRL! (:

During that very tough period for me,
I received a lot, a lot of well wishes and motivational messages :)))
I read all of them, be it on twitter, facebook or via sms, I really read all.
So i would like to extend my thanks to all of you again! ♥♥♥
You guys made my world go round.

Right now,
I feel restless/lethargic/tired/uninterested in many things/unable to concentrate well, that's almost all the vocab i can use to describe my energy level.
I'm trying my best to look and behave as normal as i can be.
(though i'm starting to become a bit temperamental with the pain/aches.. :/)
The tumour have been growing quite much, so much so that i can feel it exerting force on my bones.
But i'm learning to cope with it so that it wouldn't affect my jc2 life that significantly.

CONTINUE TO GIVE ME THAT CONTINUAL SUPPORT, FRIENDS ♥

I love you all.

It's been a long time since i last posted happy stuffs right here on blushingdaisies.
Well life hasn't been good for me this couple of months..
I'm not gonna be blogging like usual until something good happens.

HOPEFULLY.

*keeping my fingers crossed*

But heh, that doesn't mean there aren't things in life that keeps me happy!
All the kind thoughts, prayers, texts..., they made me feel ♥LOVED!
I really, honestly, sincerely, appreciated those that cared :)))
I can't express how thankful i'm here, THIS IS FOR YOU:

Hmmm here's something new to this blog, my photodiary,
inspired from existing japanese photodiaries :D
The photographs in this post are snapped from a Japanese Magazine, i'm not telling you which,
taken with my phone camera, using an android app, Retrocamera. (Yes, i use it like super often!)
HAHA I know right, i such a cheaterbug :X

NOW, ENJOY! \(.^^.)/

^ y'all know i'm not a "watch person", but i really like those here! I WANT WATCH 'D', the pink oneeeeee~~

^ i wished those shoes were mine, esp those in the bottom row which got a bit cut off :E

^ sorry, this was blurred! :'(((

^ Singapore has something like that in Bakerzin? So pretttttyyyyyyyyyy (;

^ these are really pretty dining sets to have. so tea-party-ish! ^^

^ those bags are chic! photograph-worthy heh.

HAHA. Looks like i loving Japan.
I prolly need a few of those talismans below :/
(& maybe some of those seasonal kitkats.. *winks*)

where there's peace, warmth & love, ❤
so i can escape from all the negatively-charged environment.

The quality of life in Singapore is a real mess. A crazy mess.
In the pursuit for a better future, we constantly strive hard for the best academic results to heighten our educational level.
Better future: Happy and comfortable lifestyles.
The irony here is, in this pursuit, we astronomical levels of stress from family, our mentors,
our peers and ourselves, hence leading us to lose our happy selves.
I don't know about you but i feel as though i'm going through some self-destruction.
I'm pondering if everything's gonna be worthwhile.
My heart ached when i received my scripts and the ache just gets more intense seeing my peers around me.
Their facial expressions revealed their disappointments without the use of words.
I didn't even need to ask. :(((

Though i flunked my promos, i thought i ought to be grateful.
That wasn't my 100%. My health took away 35% of my potential.
I can't wait for my medical condition to go away.
It was hell going through promos with it acting so badly on me.

I need to push my way through and unleash my fullest potential next year, that's the only thing that matters now.

I just hope everyone will be fine next week when we all receive our results.
I close my eyes and look forward to brighter days ahead.

Typed 4th October 6.05pm

Hey yes you're not on the wrong blog.
I decided to go for a change on the title & header pic, keeping the same layout :)))

Finally examinations are over. Freedom's temporary here.
The long awaited freedom.. hmm not very fantastic.
I'd rather be having school than doing nothing productive at home now.
I like studying :D Lol.

Another reason why I'm not quite appreciating this freedom is cos
my heart does not feel at ease. :(((
The first time this year i felt i screwed my papers up, just like last year..
It becomes scary when thoughts rewind.
I never once doubted about my ability to promote this year.
NEVER. Until i attempted the papers, i really had to start pondering.
It's scary. Too scary.
I know some of you might be skeptical about whatever i'm saying here,
& i'm not surprised cos i know i did perform well throughout the year.
But luck can change everything.
I don't want any hopeful encouragements - they can't assure me anything!
And what's worse than feeling guilty?
I'm so disappointed with myself and i know i definitely let my teachers down.
You know how horrible i feel?
It kills me inside.

I reflect upon myself at many junctures of my life.
Repeating JC1 & redoing my promos is a major crossroad at this point in time,
because i choose where i want to go and where i may end up to be.
When i first submitted my JAE application, i told myself that i wanted a 3year A level course.
I really really considered MI but the discipline is too lax there, plus it's so far.
So i picked the nearest colleges, with the thought that i want a repeat year.
I didn't regret repeating jc1 now and if i could let my life rewind, i'll still choose to repeat.
It was the firmest decision i made in 2010.
I just didn't expect the disdainful attitude i get from people whom i perceived as my friends.
Sometimes it's not the words you say but the tone you use and the way you phrased it.
I hate it and these (below) are word i want to vomit out in your face.
But i kept my cool.
[WHAT'S WITH YOUR CYNICISM? FUCK YOU.
I'M NOT MORE INFERIOR THAN YOU. GET IT RIGHT.
I WILL BEAT YOU UPSIDE DOWN, INSIDE OUT.]
I may not say it because i respected you and i didn't want to flare things up.
I don't need your sympathy. Don't you ever doubt my intellectual abilities.
I'd say that the expressway you're taking is jammed because everyone's speeding.
A longer path does not mean that i'll my destination later than you do.
I am smart enough to choose the best path for my life.
I don't like following blindly. I'm a critical thinker.

The reasons why i flunked promos this time round:
1. Distractions. Too many distractions.
My place is hell for studying. Noise is the lethal jab for me.
& I do have my distractions in school too.
2. Health wasn't really on the right track.
But i won't blame myself that because i already tried my best to overcome it.
3. Ill-discipline.
I didn't try hard enough. My morale had gone down with my confidence level.
That "give-up" feeling totally killed me.

Cont'd 5th October, 2.07pm.

No matter what the situation is, i know i need to get back on track ;)

Now it's time to get myself relaxed before the tense mood comes back when we check our scripts.

During this tough period, my wellness level dipped quite a bit.
Tiredness surfaced on my faceeeeeeeeeee! Ewwww.
Little vainpot is still that little vainpot. Teehee!
HAHA I've got my collagen powder, facial masks and skincare sets ready! \(.^^.)/
Presenting to my dark secret..

Easily a hundred over bucks of facial masks! Btw, they are stacked up..
So that means more are hidden beneath.. :/
Now i have to admit that i splurge on unnecessary stuffs.
Urgh but i promise i won't go high maintenance unless i become a tai-tai or smth!
(FYI, i come from a low income family. Don't judge me.)

Hmm, on the other hand,
I need to start my diet like real soon!

My face got so much rounder after promos :'((
I feel that my tummy and thighs got wider too.. -_____-
I weighed myself, it's still the same so i'm wondering what's going on.
Maybe my boobs deflated or smth. HAHAHA!
I'm not going to starve myself or anything.
I just need a lower carb. healthy diet :DDD
Gonna do up a diet plan real soon!

HAHA thank you for reading my extremely bipolar post.
Reason being, this post is typed over a span of two days,
hence the variation in my moods. :P

Who cares if that's an old show.
I'm going off to watch it nowwwwww ^^
Byes!

I'm getting scared cos the ribs inflammation is coming on again.
TOTALLY AT THE WRONG TIME!!! Promos i just 2 days away. -____-
It's driving me nuts. Oh holy.
I try to conceal the pain but i've to admit,
it's painful, it impedes my movements; IT'S A BITCH LIVING IN ME.
But I let the chance of getting time extension slip away.
I should have played it safe. Why was i so stupid?

Well no point yakking over it. It's too late.
I wish for the best - & that is for the pain to go off.
But if it doesn't,
I'm gonna put up a fight with this little bitch in the examination hall.

Uh the common saying goes: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".
Hmm in my style,
What doesn't kill me makes me TOUGH.

that's me ♥

Oh gosh i hate this.
Sinful diet. Wasting my time away for entertainment is yet another sinful thing to do.

The school does not offer "healthy" food options for my breaks already.
Yet i've been pigging out eating all the junks during my study and slack hours! Holy crap.
Cream cheese bread, bubble tea, sushi, eating out plus 2 consecutive days of subway meals..
(Yes that means 2 6inch breads & 4 fattening cookies in 2 days!) T.T
I'm feeling so fat. So restless. Irritated. I'm so lacking enthusiasm.

I HATE FEELING GLUTTONOUS.

Well slimming down isn't my number one concern right now but still it constantly comes to my attention.
[Esp. when some people come to you with very insensitive comments about your figure/shape.
Thanks ah thanks - for being so brutally honest. IT IRKS ME.
Mind you. I'll make sure i get a healthier silhouette so that you swallow your words down - IN YOUR FACEEEEEE!]
^ highlight text to read the above.
The worst thing right now is.. my faces are showing signs of outbreak! :'((((

Today, apparently, is my slack day.
Do i feel the pressure for promos? I guess the answer is half-half.
Pressure prolly comes from myself because i'm aiming almost sky-high, though i know i can never reach it.
For now i just wanna get near to it & i'd be thankful. (:
I've been putting aside a lot of time to let myself rest. Health is my priority. Nothing beats that.
It's pointless if i achieve superb results at the expense of my health.
So i'm definitely revising a lot lesser than i did for my mid-years;
Somehow I still feel a need for pressure - aiming high but studying less.
It makes no sense to me at all! :(
Yes yes i'm worried for promos, esp. when i see this:

(blame the gorilla glass display for the poor image quality captured!)
It's on my homescreen of my mobile phone, counting down every second.
It makes me more tensed when the number jumps to a single digit.. :/

SOMEONE GIVE ME HOPE PLEASE.
I'm scared.

Now my blog reads, last post - 2nd August.
Oops, after i post this it'll prolly be 7th September :)))
Well, i thought it was only wise to remove my previous blog post from blushingdaisies.
Hmm according to nuffnang, at least 20 people read it? :/
Oh well.
The post was nothing inappropriate, but it's too dampening.. Way too dampening.
I think i've never expressed my dismay/disappointment/unhappiness so directly on this onsugar blog before.
I was probably overwhelmed by emotions and everything just came down with the accompaniment of stress :(((

So..

Today i shall be a happier kid \(. ^^ .)/

Smile, smile, smile :)))
Taken during my 1-day trip to Malaysia a couple of days ago.

Okay actually i wanted to blog a week ago but i was lazy, and also that using the comp. makes me giddy.
And since my Dell Venue could bring me like anywhere i didn't really have to use the comp.

Currently, i'm having trouble finding my study momentum back :/
I don't know if it's my health condition or what, i'm now easily tired, annoyed & my concentration level is real bad.
And i sleep like non-stop at home as long as there's a chance for me to! :X
I FEEL,

LAZY.

Like what you call "nuah" in singlish.
Feeling the protruding rib around my collarbone doesn't make me feel any better either.
I try very hard to keep myself awake and focused in school.
Anyway, is it me or what?
The projectors at LT4 have an issue, i think. It's so freakin' dim that it hurts my eyes!
Esp. when you sit at the first 2 rows, it irritates me and i totally can't focus during math lectures :'(
I hope they do something about it. (maybe i need to voice it out or it's never gonna change?)
After all the rantings, on the bright side,

I'M NEVER GIVING UP.

Honestly, setbacks doesn't really make me tougher.
It kills my morale and ultimately, my confidence level.
But this helps a lot:

TODAY'S SUPER UNPRODUCTIVE STUDYING:

Sorry uh. Pictures taken with me phone's 8 mega-pixels camera.
BUT i didn't know the app's photo effect would churn my pictures out like that.. :X
Hee shall end off with a oldie for you!